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Month of April , 2007

airline travel is easy as 3-1-1

Posted April 15th, 2007 by nick

A couple weeks ago I flew down to Chapel Hill, NC to visit my family for the weekend. I always try to pack lightly when I fly, somehow managing to find a way to travel and NOT have to check my bag. (I once flew down to Atlanta, GA with my desktop computer and clothes all packed into a large cardboard box ... not too long after 9/11. This moment will be placed in size 8 font, well after the Appendix of my biography in section entitled 'oops'. )

Anyway, I flew out of Boston's Logan Airport with minor troubles. My old lady took me to the airport and just as we got there emergency vehicles closed my terminal. No big deal, just had to go for a little walk through an unfamiliar airport. Ticket check-in through the electronic kiosk was a snap and getting through security was painless. (That is of course if you're cool with showing your ID and boarding pass twice just to get the security check lines, emptying out all your pockets and accessories such as watches, bracelets, belts, etc. into a plastic container ((make sure you use the right size)), removing your your laptop from your bag and placing it into another plastic container, taking off your shoes and placing them in yet another separate plastic container, and making sure you have your ticket and ID in hand so they may check it on round 3 after you step through the metal detector. Oh yeah, don't forget to repack / redress once you make it to the other side.)

     So flying down was as I said relatively painless. Coming back however, not so much. Enter 3-1-1. What is 3-1-1 you may ask? As taken from www.tsa.gov: "3 ounce bottle or less; 1 quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag; 1 bag per passenger placed in screening bin. One-quart bag per person limits the total liquid volume each traveler can bring. 3 oz. container size is a security measure." How did I learn about the 3-1-1? Well, as luck has it, I had an extremely informative security check personnel school me in the art of TSA security. Let's recap what happened . . .

The TSA 3-1-1 mantra
     I printed my boarding pass through the electronic kiosk -- reaffirming to myself that electronic tickets are just that much better than standing in those unbelievably long lines. I then approached the security checkpoint knowing everything I came down with I was bringing back, no more, no less. Confidently, I go through the routine of undressing myself, rummaging through my bags to remove my laptop, place items in their proper bin, etc. As luck has it, the x-ray operator calls for back up to check up on a suspicious item in my bag. Sure enough, her back up confirms that this bag must be searched. Naturally. Not knowing what they could possibly be bickering about, I through them a sly remark of "What's wrong? Suspicious deodorant?" They didn't find that too funny.

And so the bag checking procedures begin -- wipe it down with the little cloth to check for explosive material, take a quick peak inside moving things around, put it back on the belt, scan it again, (son of a bitch, it's still there!), open it back up. They ask me if I packed cologne. I didn't recall doing such, nor did I put any on during my stay. Sure enough! I had packed cologne! Quick! Call the bomb squad! We have a gentleman attempting to board the plane with smell enhanced water! My TSA informant told me that by no means was I allowed to carry cologne on the plane that was not in a ziploc bag.

Eh?

Apparently you can not bring liquids on a plane that are not sealed in a clear, zip-top bag. (The first '1' in the 3-1-1 method for those of you following this) What's my solution to make me TSA approved? Put that cologne in a ziploc god damn it!

Phew. Thank goodness someone tried to sneak a 5 oz. bottle of Oil of Olay © on board and was forced to relinquish her bag.

Are you *&!(&$# serious?? From what harm do we protect our fellow US citizens by placing cologne in a ziploc bag? I can picture Osama slapping his forehead and saying "Fuck! Now what?!" when he stumbled across this section of www.tsa.gov.

After they recovered a stranded ziploc for me, my TSA informant now had a question for me -- a trick one at that. Ready for this one? "Have you been on a computer?" Have I been on a computer? OK -- so I don't go around wearing a badge saying that I'm a Systems Administrator or keep my diploma in my back pocket that says Computer Science & Engineering. So I don't fault him with that. I do however fault him for asking me as I'm placing my laptop back into my suitcase. Do you think I'm just holding on to somebody's laptop for them and decided to transport it? Or maybe that's just it, I'm transporting this laptop and delivering it in Boston.

After I realized that he was seriously asking me if I've used a computer (quite honestly I didn't understand him at first and thought he was referring to the x-ray machine) I responded "Yes. I've used a computer." He told me to go the TSA site and take a look at the rules about flying. "We won't always have a ziploc back and let you get away with this."

So I salute you, Mr. TSA I Need to Scan Your Bag Multiple Times When It Can Be Solved By Just Looking Inside To Begin With But Will Hook You Up With A Ziploc Bag For That Lethal Cologne Anyway Man, you make sure you don't let any liquid onto those planes that are not in their approved baggies. With fine employees like yourself, and the continued effort of the TSA to come up with these logical, enforced, well thought out flying policies, plane terrorism will simply be a figment of our imagination in no time.

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